question..?

why do i blog?why dont i feel like blogging anymore these years?i dont blog to seek attention from people..infact most of the people i know dont even know i have a blog...so i guess it also means that i dont need to keep it updated constantly. I think the issue here is why am i blogging once in a blue moon then? Its not like theres any readers out there...or its not my so called duty to do it...

hmmm i guess im confusing myself now. Its been months since ive last blogged, and to see my last post was before i saw joe's concert. It was a good concert..one of my very 1st as well i guess. To know that i dont have much happy stuff on my blog really makes me seem like a pathetic person...to read my own blog saddens me...if there's such a word.

theres a saying about how bad luck and good luck comes in a cycle of five years..how true it is..i dont know...but the other day..i was counting back on my miserable years...suprisingly..it does adds up to five years...and this coming year...shall prove if its true..or im just superstitious.

theres so much that has happen in this last 2 months...alot of magical moments as well as not so good moments i would say. thinking back of what has happen to me in uk..and how i left yee kuan out of my life...to know that the world is forever materialistic..no matter what. To see how people grow old and die and to know that im still an idiot to not appreciate life as it is.

Its not all myself to be blame, but im still going on...and thats the challenge ive accepted and will. The lil scout moto in me still stays. I will try to strive as far as i can to reach a goal and not be looked down no more from anyone but at times i feel its pointless to prove myself. yee kuan has given me alot of hopes and dreams once...taken it away in a few short sentence as well...how badly her words hurt me...still rings in my head...and i still felt the pain i did at that time. To know she was doing it for my sake and to know that i would never talked to her again till i archieve something in life really makes it a "never".

i wont be filling in much details on what has happen to me after i stop blogging the last time. Maybe if someone is crazy enough to read on what will be posted in future...there would be a linkage and a whole story would be known there...but at my current blogging "schedule" i guess its gonna be a long long time before the whole story would be known.

magic paper

As usual...its a dull saturday, awaken from my late night sleep again. My mood immediately change after i saw something really nice on the table....an envoloped with weird printing of my name...woooo it came to my mind..tickets!!!! what tickets?hehe...seee *points below*

im gonna go see satriani!!!!woooweee...whos that?oh hes just some bald headed dude whos a killer on the guitar...no biggie..haha...rite....i know i wont have much of another chance to see this dude as i doubt he will come to malaysia..so yea..its well worth the money to see him here in Newcastle. In case you're too lazy to google for him this is how he look like roughly.
oh .... he looks cooler now...as before new hairstyle of his...er...or what ever hair he has left...he use to look like this

im gonna see joe im gonna see joe..im gonna see joe!!wooooo yay....cant wait..oh wait.i cant..exams is nearer..shit.botak head botak head..

Horny Coconut or the king of its kind?

feeling sad...so dont wanna talk..see this pic and examine it?
the thing that came into my head is how the coconut taste like..

Happy Birthday to myself!

Oh yay...its my bday...wow...weee...woohooo..., =\ its not different from any other day...but oh well i got myself a cake..a tart...and decided that its time to eat some korean instant noodles that ive been saving for a while since i got to uk. So took some pictures of myself...really blur and tired as last nite i slept on a chairs line togather and had been waking up from noises around all night...so went to uni to settle stuff and all..then went buy my cake...took some pics of my fabulous dinner tonite.

Chocolate tart from sainburry...bought for cheap price at some frozen food shop :)

Korean instant noodle...nice and spicy..yummy...been saving the last few packets for special occasions

Black Forest cake...i like it...duno why..if u see properly you can see it wasnt handled with care when i brought it back..haha..also got for a cheap price at a frozen food shop...and its alot smaller then it look on the picture.

My self given bday pressie...a car model..which i dont think ill even fix it here..maybe..maybe not. but oh well..i like to fix stuff...though im not good at it..like fixing relationships..myself...or...alot of things

And lastly..blur and tired me who just woke up...patting myself telling myself im a big boy now...got to be more mature...haha...we shall see.

So this is pretty much my special bday celebration...some time off my assignments..really last minute ones..and hmm..singing myself a song...haha...atleast im not that pathetic till i have to call those 1800 numbers to ask some "befrienders" hotline to sing me a song.

Happy Birthday Ben...oh yea..a special thanks to those few handful..or less then a handful of people who remembered my special day..where i came in to this world to cause more trouble for several early years of my life..and ...hehe...ok ok...thanks to those people who wished me anyways..im happy to know that someone actually remembers.

Distraction always

Its weird whenever i wanna do some homework or studying..i end up doing something else which takes up a huge amount of time...like cleaning my room for instance. If you scroll down a few post you'll see that my geek looking room is a total mess but after yesterday...its a different thing. Well not totally clean but its alot better then before.

i seriously gotto get myself back to my work...sigh

mindstruck

It just struck my mind...how to people feel when someone cares for them and that they are neglecting them...can they actualy live a peaceful life?yes those moment they are having now could be happy and all...but what about the people around them...even if they are on the verge to kill themselves, can they be happy? The world is cold...and it really is darn cold..not physically...but maybe mentally or something..someone should come out with proper terms to express these weird feelings.

Went out last night to have dinner..and took a long long walk back in the freaking cold weather...thought it would help me clear my mind a lil...it did actually...but not for long, the moment i came back to my room every felt the same. This feeling sucks and to make it worst im a person who has good memories for things that has happen..and i dont like this...atleast not for things like this.

If only life was like a butterfly...short~


Water bags ready to burst my tears out again....

silent treatment

The worst torture isnt pain, atleast in pain there will be a point where you will faint or die, but mental torture by silence is definately a killer. You start thinking of nonsense, hallusinating and then at the end of the day some head damage or something.

Life isnt getting any easier in a foreign country the pressure so building up so much that im starting to lose myself even faster. Im not the same cool person who handles things easily here. Im like a headless chicken running around. I really want to go back home. I wan my dogs company, hes the only thing that keep me company, as much as a person can promise me something they can never keep it. Situation change...promises change as well. No matter how i scold or beat my dog, at the end of the day he will return to me.

A butterfly seem to have an easy life..beautiful to some...but what they have been through isnt easy...as a caterpillar they are ugly and fat...and some say disgusting. Later in life they are beautiful with bright colors and but with all gods creation no gift comes without a price. They have short lives and are only able to enjoy their beauty for a while. I was told i was nice and hard to find..and prolly unique. But like all gods creation..when i find something beautiful...it wont last. The more beautiful it is...the shorter time i get to spend with it. Which reminds me of march 18....a rare gift was found..and sad to say it only lasted 2 days. Pretty much like a butterfly.


Life is sure like a butterfly...

mental break down

im not too sure what has happen to me but i felt as though ive been drugged, being all paranoid and having this mental break down is really scaring me. Thinking of suicide and all isnt right at all. I really need to get a grip of myself and not let this loneliness control me and making me see things or hear them. I really need to get back to KL. I cannot stand staying here, im not sure if its pressure or loneliness but either way i need to get myself back home.

new white wife

i also forgot to mention that ive got myself a new wife...a white one...traded my wife for this...heart pain abit though...but i think its worth it..wont be changing wifes for a while now...

Geek?

Im not a geek...nor am i near to be one....but i seem to have the lifestyle of one...minus the book reading part and the thick frame specs and er...button shirts with a pocket protector for pens..if thats what its called.

but look at my room


A geek needs to shop for groceries and yea...forgets to packs up the plastic bag...and food which is easily accessible on the floor so he doesnt starve to death when hes busy geeking with his computer. Drinks as well is vital..and a kettle on the floor to make those late night coffee.


The workstation of my awfully dreaded home...or atleast its my home for this 9 months here..Books at the side of the bed for easy accessibility as well so when i cannot sleep i can grab a book and read....yea RIGHT! its actually due to my laziness to put it back from where i got it from. A messy computer/study table with food and water supplies that can be reach without waking up from the chair. This is to try make me fat and avoid burning the slightest callories.

conclusion...am i a geek?

benjaminlim.com...finally

finally took the initiative to buy that domain before someone does...actually i was more like waiting for benjamin.com but knowing that it would be hard to get the domain cos its being used by some property company thing in the arizona if im not wrong...anyways will hunt down my name soon enough..while waiting i thought i could settle with this name.

spend like 12 hours non stop yesterday with my blog system and the other backend parts..finally got somethings to run..but entirely smoothly..still dont have the time to do my own design..will do it in times to come..but i do like this white thingy...makes it look abit dull at times..but pretty much reflects me i guess.

been trying to get through to huey ting as well...worried about her..no idea what has happen since the last time she told me something was happening. she wouldnt pick up my calls nor reply my message..i guess its still going on or shes avoiding me?hmm...sigh...duno la.

gonna start on my damn thesis again and hopefully this time i get somewhere as im going no where at the current moment. I would really need to do some more analysis and start writing some lines of code down already. anyways for whoever that reads my blog check out www.benjaminlim.com and gimme some comments on it if you wish..its just my portfolio page and maybe ill post some other stuff there..wont link this page of mine from that page tho. i guess it wont be too good for employers to find out too much bout me.

its the start of the bad bad things again

Found out that i cant do a masters today...and been like 2 weeks or so since my pc has been having this hardisk problem...and its making me worry as i might just have it not booting one day when my due date to my assignments are near...shit! ive always know that bad things comes in a pair or a bunch...but why is it coming so frequently now...whats up with all these test in such short period...the man up there really that bored?

Had a few drinks tonite...hopefully things will change and ill wake up and start working my ass off on my responsibility. If only things can go smoothly for a longer period of time...if only...if there's and if only....there wont be alot of miserable things going on. How do you wake yourself up from a long long dream?a dream that is called reality and taking things for granted? would smacking the person hard on his head help? dont really think so myself

misery

Its really becoming of blogging only when im down and alone and have no one to turn to. Then again when was the last time i had someone to turn to? Really dont like this feeling...im suppose to be reading up on C programming to start doing my thesis...but i really dont have the mood to do so. Im starting to wonder why is it so hard to live alone in a secluded world. It use to be darn easy...why is it getting so much harder as i grow older...time seem to pass alot faster these day but still the is a time for being all alone and all sorts of nonsense seem to hit you in your mind. Thinking back of my dog Junior back home and the dogs that ive met here in uk...it makes me miss my dog presense even more...the stupid ass would bark for attention and then show you his dumb face asking you to play with him or at times mocking you with his ass.

Been trying to work on my thesis but my mind is just so not set for it. I cant think of what to do nor where to start. Theres so much to do any i dont have a direction of where to begin and where to head...pretty much like my life i guess.

old cute doggie outside of the supermarket...

my rascal Junior in his shirt

I really wonder how do dogs see the world...what do they see or what do they feel? Really makes me wonder...

untitled

Exam week! argh...had 2 papers...failed both in a row...shit..how i know i fail?well...i know my own strength..and when you look at the paper and cant write shit...thats where you know you fail! Anyways..i really hope i dont have to stay another semester in newcastle to take the resit..its gonna be too expensive and its gonna be a bomb..and its gonna be hell..and im gonna be doomed~!

Shit...really gotto study for the next open book paper....and cos its open book...this means what ever book you bring is not gonna be useful at all...argh...so...hmm....no other way then to study and really understand what on earth im doing this time.

Anyways..i started a new blog..no idea why...but its only gonna be posted on my music stuf...so..yea.. it add is http://www.xanga.com/benjaminlim

a different point in life

Cant sleep when im suppose to be sleeping...not too sure why am i awaken from my sleep middle of the night. Its not like i have alot of thinking to do...prolly just worried about the future i guess. Met someone really amazing lately...made me realize alot of stuff which i did realize before but never really empahsize on it...till now, ive been a pathetically weak person..emotionally, and maybe physically, but it has to come to an end already. I gotto get up and start standing and walking forward...my thoughts on things have been pretty negative to alot of people...well thats what they say..to me im just being cautious...but i guess i gotto lighten up and look at the bright side...how?hmm not too sure about that yet..but i guess a brighter perspective of life point of view would bring joy?hmm something like the saying...smile everyday and you'll eventually be happier or something like that...is that even a saying or it came out from my crappy mind?

so now not only comes the time to try brush up my weak studies but also myself...hmm is this what they mean by grow up?am i growing up?or more like deciding to grow up. I guess things wouldnt have been this way if someone didnt trigger the alarm to wake me up from my hibernation...not realizing winter has passed for years...and i slept through several winters...hehe...but i think i owe alot to this person. For making me realize and making me change...a change for myself...to be a better person..to stand up in the crowd...to have the confidence i always didnt have, to be able to take challenges...and oh boy..thats a real challenge, never have i actually wanna make or change someone's point of view about me or impress the person..but im gonna do it now...wow..haha!

i remember back er...a year or 2 ago...ivy told me that ben has grown up...i gave a more secure feeling...but i guess that wasnt grown up enough...now ben has to grow up more...hmm growing old edi...argh!these all sound so easy but im still planning how to grow up...haha..as in..hmm how...good question...how do one grow up?dont groth come naturally? oh well...good luck to me..

I wish i could end everything...

The weekend was hell...ive never been this hurt in my life, not only my social life sucks..my love life...my studies...but basically everythin sucks...its a mystery how shit can always happen in a chain reaction. Why cant these things just happen one at a time, not pile up like fucking shit! No wonder the term 'shit' is given to these things. Somehow knowing the truth really hurts..and knowing what you did to have made the truth hurts even more. I realise im a very selfish person emotion wise. But why does it have to end like this. Sigh my rambling doesnt make much sense to most people who are reading this i know.

Im so gonna fail a sub...i dont see any alternative out of this. I dont know how to handlet things now...i dont know what to do. If i fail because of exams i dont mind..but its because my coursework...damn..what stupid system is this. I feel so lost and empty now, i got no one to rely on...no one i could trust...i feel the emptiness again...i feel deceived...but myself! that the worst thing...i feel like a loser...which indeed i am. I feel im not capable of undoing my mistakes nor make up to it. I feel so much hatred towards myself, my attitude, my character, my way of thinking and ...urgh...i hate myself.

would death solve these?

I wanna go home~

Just checked on the assignments that are due...OMFG~ i got like a another 4 of it piling up...and the due date are a day after or the same day...sigh...from a total slacker to someone who has to do his work is not easy...this reminds me so much of my spm days, where i had to cope with all the stress and sudden change in myself...the only difference was i had someone special to be my motivator and currently i have none.

I feel like going back home so much...i dont feel like living here anymore..it gets so sickening..feels so...deserted..and the weather sucks...so many people would wanna see snow and all..but you get so sick of it after a while. Xmas is coming alot of people i know would be leaving and ill be alone ...i wonder what will i be doing, i know im suppose to study but i really not in the mood...might go out watch come people caroling?i think thats the word for it. exams will be after the holidays and i really hope i could do something. The other thing that is bothering me is my thesis. It seems that the assigments could really eat up all my time leaving me with no time to do my thesis and research.

its late now....and im only abit sleepy. I sooo want to go back and not return. I guess this is 1 challenge i have to take. Sigh....

Strange foreign land

Suddenly had the urge to blog. Been like er..2 months since i got here in newcastle?touched down on the 23 of Sept and have to admid, the 1st impression was good. By the 3rd day ive already got stalked..and harrassed. I've been trying not to think so much of whats bad here and how im treated at times, but it seem harder then it is. My friend Ben seem to have ok housemates but why do i have 2 bitches from brit that backstab is not considerate. Knowing that they people here love to make noise and get themseld pissed all the time but knocking the door as well???

Studies aren't going too fine..actually not fine at all as i got no idea whats happening till now. Ive done my assignments but thank god with some help from my friends i could do it. Lindy and Calvin have been helping quite abit since those days in taylors. Really do appreciate what they did. I think the thing i learn the most here is how to be more independant rather then what is going on in the IT world. I guess i should be thankful enough to have a chinese supervisor that leads and guides me for my thesis and 2 friends that would help me in my studies. What more can i ask?well...alot more..i feel freaking alone. I stay far from the city, unless i take the train there....meet up with some malaysian hypocrite. Which isnt a big deal, got a new guitar which i play till my fingers hurt. Hopefully i would be able to get a nite job when i get back to kl. Would be fun to have lil shows in the cafe, i guess.

I've not done the damn website for aunts pie shop as well..shit. I wonder what will she say to me when i get back. Should try to start work on it as soon as i have time to spare. Felt so much like going back this xmas...really dont wanna stay here. Its gonna be so alone here...and when it snows...yes its gonna be nice...but sulking in the room all day is...is something ive been doing in kl all the time. Due to my tight budget and abit of over spending i now have to tighten up my spendings even more. I think from a brief read through of what ive said, it comes to a conclusion that no matter how sucky malaysia can be...theres no place like home. Maybe cos im brought up there and im used to everything there, and im new here...so its like i cant addapt or something? Knowing myself that i tend to ignore what ever that i dont like...having to see people faces when they look at me really makes me uncomfortable. Not to mention having to walk in 4 supermakets to do my grocery shopping. Dont british goverment know how to control prices of items? Really makes me wonder how are they so much more better then Malaysia as they close the shops like..er...6pm?and by 12 the pubs close?and some people are so freaking lazy...how on earth they actually kept up with the world..whos been working in the background. oh yea..drinking alchohol from day to night and getting drunk before 10pm...thats productive...must be REAL stressful huh?

I guess my complaints are not gonna do me any good if i do not learn to accept and move on. And so i shall...shall monitor my success in adapting into this world through my blog.

Pics of my new baby...

Pics of me in Edinbrugh which i only have a few at this moment.

FAT CAT!~

Hari Raya dinner with the malaysians here in Newcastle

My...my tray..and a gal...

havent had all the pictures sent to me..maybe ill post them later or something..

signing off.

Does this mean I've begun?

Finally trying out some new templates...i dont think i would wanna keep go on using the standard templates from blogspot...too ugly...kinda too plain as well. Anyways will continue experimenting with all the new styles and other weird stuff i can find around the net. Oh yea i also told Elaine i would try make her blog look a lil more attractive.

Hard work....but low pay....more reasons to have a degree

Ive not worked so hard since secondary 3...man...working as a bloody labour isnt fun....especially when i stop exercising like....5 years ago...and today i gotto carry tons of stuff up n down 4 fleets of stairs...wtf?this is why we need a degree atleast in life...so we could pay immigrants to do our hard work...or maybe this is why robots exist....i wish star wars tech is available to us now...

the event is on friday till sunday but we have to set things up on tuesday and wednesday...i dont get these people..why are they saving cost on workmanship?paying me miserable 50 bucks to do so much work..i feel like some indonesian worker...not to mention the transportation cost is damn expensive.

at the moment my body is all aching and i barely have strength to scracth my back...im gonna stop here...

How do we keep up with life?

Pc's isn't working fine...but atleast i can come online...after tryin for HOURS! argh...yesterday was 1 heck of a day...i've finally met Jolene...someone who i've been messaging back and forth for quite a while in friendster...tho it wasn't an arranged meet up or anything...but it was still good enough i've to save some memories in my heart and mind.

After walking front and back the shop she work in i've finally got the guts to walk in and greet her...she was shocked to see me...yea...like who wouldn't?i was shocked myself...heartbeat so darn fast...she was sweet and all like the mails...a true nice person...talked to her for about 2 hours...while waiting for my friend...didn't know i could actually feel good about it...hehe...

but now...im so lost again...i feel so alone at times...though i think i have people to refer or talk to but still there seems to be something missing...like what Jolene is doing...she has her career and all in mind it just seems as though there is no lonely time for her...i wonder what am i missing...a determination?a target?a vision?i really don't know how can some people do it.

i know very well life is what we make out of it...but why does it seem i fail to make the best out of it...i fail to do so much...sitting here listening to songs...wasting my time and not starting back on my project...i basically see my target...a target of failure...but why and i so reluctant to do any damn thing?man i hate myself so much at times...

My computer wanna play with me....ARGH!

I thought last night was bad...today is WORST! came back from coll to find my hardisk dead...so i had to restart my pc...and DING!~ i find my whole user profile screwed...lost all my data on my desktop and in my documents....now all my projects...and stuff are gone...due date is freaking near...and how the hell am i gonna do it in less then a month?

Sigh...how bad can things get?i got assignment to hand in tomorow and ive not done anything...2 day after that i got another 2 more assignments...oh my lord...im so so dead...shit! why must i always be this lazy...someone should come smack me and kill me or someting.

Sigh...im so so lost now...i wanna talk to sherina...but...things arent possible...oh well..i guess i have to face things myself...

Frustration...argh~!

Sigh...i got no idea what has happen to me...my heart feels heavy im irritated with my college work...i dont seem to get to do my project and its not going anywhere...a few more assignments are gonna reach its due date...the preasure is starting to rise again...exams are near...i wont have time to study...damn...what the fuck is gonna happen this year end.

Im really irritated at the moment i don't know what should i do or who should i talk to...there dosn't seem like theres anyone available to talk to...sigh...i think ill just go to bed and hope to feel better the next day.